Select Video Game Creepypastas that are (Mostly) Realistic and Not Poorly Written Garbage

Creepypastas are bad. Video game creepypastas are worse.

Video games inspire a kind of relationship, a kind of obsession other mediums usually don’t (though anyone who’s seen cult theories about The Shining may disagree). A very specific obsession brought about by being able to explore a world, a desire to poke at its seams and uncover what’s hidden in a way more literal than, say, academic theorizing. You can theorize about hidden meaning, or you can obsessively poke around a game in order to find anything hidden.

Games that hide strange, even unsettling content exist. For all the urban legends about Grand Theft Auto, about hidden creatures and phantoms, the game does hide, in its vast worlds, eerie ghosts and UFOs. An innocuous game like California Speed (1999, N64 port) can hold a disturbing secret message. And ancient games can hold secrets no one’s yet uncovered.

Synnergist is a cyberpunk adventure game from Vicarious Visions. Released in 1996 for PC, it’s notable for the fact that, years later, it contains an entire secret plot no one has ever found. Scattered new scenes have been uncovered, and we know where the true endgame is, but twenty years later, we’re no closer to unlocking it.

One of my favorite examples, and my personal obsession, are the Action Half-Life maps crafted by a designer named Hondo. This now-forgotten Half-Life mod’s maps conceal secrets: not just easter eggs, but entire secret maps, complex, obtuse mazes, full of abstract puzzles and nightmarish rooms. Unlocking the mystery is challenging, surprising and fascinating.

A ordinary deathmatch stage in Action Half-Life…

…and the surreal maze underneath it.

What’s not are video game creepypastas. Video game creepypastas are, on the whole, a garbage fire. They play with the paranormal, drenching familiar old games in photorealistic blood and gore. An unmarked cartridge from a garage sale, and the obligatory “and he thought he saw it in real life” twist at the end. Games haunt and scare, and we always ask how it could ruin someone’s life so thoroughly when they could always just throw it in a box and forget it.

These are that rare few: video game creepypastas that aren’t garbage. They eschew the paranormal (or at least confine it to small, easy-to-ignore passages) and focus on strange mysteries, forgotten history and the obscure and surreal. And they’re presented in no particular order. Continue reading

The Writing Program That Swore at Children

The cover, via Superkids.

1998’s The Secret Writers Society is a strange footnote in gaming history. Released by Panasonic Interactive Media, it would just be another forgotten educational program in the era of education CDs and multimedia…were it not for one unique “glitch”.

Aimed at second and third graders, The Secret Writers Society taught basic writing composition to children. It included a text-to-voice program that would read passages back to the students who wrote them – a cool feature to be sure, except if the child wrote a long passage, and double-clicks the “read” button in the hopes of skipping the computer’s slow reading.

Should a student double-click, the game’s mechanical voice would instead rattle of a string of swear words, a burst of computerized obscenity that, according to one parent, went “beyond George Carlin’s seven banned words”, an eerie, unexpected barrage of profanity that gives the impression the computers have gone rampant, and their revolution mainly consists of yelling “ASSHOLE” at seven-year olds.

Discovered by SuperKids, a site reviewing kid’s software, Panasonic quickly acted, removing the feature and offering replacement CDs to any customer who sent theirs in.

An example of a passage that triggers the “glitch”, via Superkids.

Panasonic offered an explanation: the glitch was the result of the game’s voice accidentally reading a list of banned words: a blocklist, meant to prohibit users from making the game’s computerized voice swear, instead was read out loud due to a glitch. Fair enough, right?


That explanation was a lie. And here is when the tale of The Secret Writers Society becomes so, so much stupider. For this was no glitch: it was a feature, inserted by a rogue programmer. But before we get to him, a history lesson.

RTMark is an anti-consumerist action group responsible for some great works of sabotage. Their debut was the Barbie Liberation Organization, an initiative to switch the voice boxes in GI Joes and Barbies and then slip them back on shelves, giving children gender-non-conforming toys, GI Joes that excitedly baked cookies and Barbies that declared never-ending vengeance upon Cobra.

Their first video game hack was 1996’s SimCopter. A programmer netted a $5,000 reward for inserting in “male bimbos” who crowded landing helicopters and kissed each other. He did it as a way of coping with the developer’s working conditions, and with the implicit heterosexuality of the game industry (the game already had many sexualized female “bimbos” in it – so why not sexualized men, too?).

The programmer who inserted the swearing robot voice into The Secret Writers Society also had high-minded ambitions behind their inclusion:

“No program can replace the family. But people have this awe of technology. They think it can do better than they can. I wanted to wake parents up to reality – here’s what happens if you hand your responsibility to some machine.”

If you let your children use computer programs, then I will swear at them! Because you shouldn’t trust computers with your kids because of, uh, what I did. Oh, you want to give your kids a writing program? So they can learn how to write? In a way that’s not at all different from giving them a typewriter or even a notebook? Well, let me swear at your children. Because I’m the responsible one here. I AM A SERIOUS ACTIVIST.

“Choosing to have a child constitutes a commitment to give that child the very best that you can,” said the programmer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Letting a third-rate piece of software take over for you is wrong because it violates that contract, which is more important than any legal one.”

Well, of course. Parents didn’t use educational programs as a supplement to help kids. They made them into replacement parents. Why even be a parent when your kid can be parented by a writing program for eight year olds? Really makes ya think. I also think textbooks are the devil. You’re the parent, not some BOOK. And schools? A bunch of people who AREN’T the kid’s parent’s teaching them things, in a building that’s not home? YOU MADE A CONTRACT, YOU MADE A-

“It’s time to stop turning children into products of products, and to start getting them in touch with values that really count.”

Values that really count, like abusing your job to create a program that yells obscenities at seven-year olds. GOOD OLD FASHIONED VALUES

RTMark admitted to reservations about rewarding the children-swearing-computer-hacker, but ultimately paid him $1,000. When asked, RTMark spokesman Ray Thomas said:

“In essence, these allegedly educational programs are already barraging children with obscenities; this just puts it on the table.”

Oh yeah man, that’s so deep. Writing programs teaching people about writing, and letting them write whatever they want and have it read back to them, completely harmlessly…those are the REAL swear words, directed at children.

Though Panasonic would always maintain that the swearing was just a glitch, and Panasonic Interactive Media would close the following year, the Secret Writers Society will always be known as “that kid’s game that swore at children because, uh, VALUES I guess”.

I would very much like to show you the swearing protest game, but that’s not actually possible. Finding an obscure educational game would be hard. Finding an original copy of one that was recalled and replaced en masse is practically impossible. If any copies of the Secret Writers Society are out there, none of them have ever turned up, though if we’re lucky, perhaps its rogue programmer is sneaking an anti-smart phone screed into an educational app as we speak.

Wacky Slave Adventures

SlaveTetrisPlaying History 2: The Slave Trade is a game that seeks to teach children about the slave trade. I have not played it, and thus can’t comment on the game’s quality, though a viewing of the game revealed, beyond the appearance of a “Slave Tetris” minigame, the presence of an anthropomorphic mouse who gives you gadgets, such as goggles that can see through time. If I were to play it now, which I would like to do, it wouldn’t be the same game that inspired outrage, since “slave Tetris” was removed. I can only comment on how it looks and the developer’s reaction to criticism, and will not comment on the game’s quality or how it plays. This isn’t a Guardian article about Terry Pratchett, after all.

Oddly, there was little outcry in the developer’s native Denmark. They ascribed this to some cultural differences in the United States. Perhaps it’s that Americans are oversensitive – or that Denmark eliminated slavery over 50 years before the US, without a civil war; that Denmark is 88% Danish while the United States is only 63% non-Hispanic white; or that slavery and the Civil War is still contentious and some states continued to fly the Confederate flag until this year; or that the textbooks recently approved by the state of Texas, and used nationwide for various financial reasons, whitewash slavery; that many still try to pretend that the Civil War was over “State’s Rights” (their right to do…what, exactly?); or it’s just that those damn Americans are just so sensitive about this for some weird reason.

The issue isn’t that they tried to teach about slavery. The issue is, from someone who hasn’t played it, is that it looks like the Slavers of Monkey Island. The issue is that there’s a mouse in a hat and a wacky sea dragon in the background of that abstract slavery mini-game. There’s a profound mismatch between how the game looks and what it’s about.

If you want to show us the inhumane conditions of slave ships, show us the inhumane conditions of slave ships. Not in an abstract minigame, next to a smiling Sea Serpent – take us inside the ships. Show us what they’re about. Place us in the perspective of one of the slaves being crammed in there and not the person cramming them in. Show us the horrors.

If we have to play as the slave ship’s crew, then don’t have the bent bodies and horrors of the process be Tetris pieces. Show us the slaves as people, and make us cram them in there as people. Not as an L-block that’s next to a grinning Nessie. Make us feel complicit, make us feel guilty about what we’ve done.

There possibly was a drive to “sanitize” it for kids. If you can’t commit to showing the horrors of slavery, and want to make it kid-friendly, then you should probably consider if this an appropriate topic, because you gain nothing by giving kids a false, sanitized version of slavery.

My viewing of the game made me think that it’s also weirdly patronizing. After Slave Tetris, the mouse returns to say that the conditions on ships were inhumane and says it was “certainly not nice”. Well, it was more than “not nice”, it was horrific. Kids deserve more than to be talked down to by a cartoon animal who pops up to remind them that slavery was very naughty.

The developer explained their rationale and it’s…something.

Below I try to summarize the different points

1). You cannot make a game about sensitive subjects. Slave trade is too serious a topic, and should not be done in a ‘fun medium’ like games. This is similar to people saying you cannot make visual novels of difficult subjects or movies like Schindler’s List because movies are entertainment medium.

Right. But Schindler’s List wasn’t a zany animated epic that taught about the Holocaust via an abstract musical number about Jewish people taking showers. It was a serious movie that showed us the horrors of the Holocaust, unfiltered. It didn’t try to sanitize it or place distance between us and the subject matter.

3). Slave tetris is a mockery and insensitive. I definitely agree it is insensitive and gruesome. It has to be like this to show what was done to load slave ships. People treated human beings as pieces that just had to fitting into the cargo.

But it ISN’T gruesome. It’s sugar-coated. The twisted bodies of slaves are abstract game pieces. There’s a damn cartoon mouse next to the Slave Tetris. A cartoon mouse!

The developer seems incapable of understanding why anyone objected to Slave Tetris or their game. Instead of considering if their game’s tone was wrong, or if this was a bad way to educate about slavery, they just think people are angry because they dared to make a game about this topic. Sure, some people may think slavery is an improper subject for a game, but the criticism I saw was largely saying “I think this was a bad way to teach about this” and not “you should NEVER have tried to do this”.

6). I have not included the random – you are a racist, disgusting, crazy comments, if you can’t see how crazy you are I can’t explain you etc. Lots of people just following like sheep because something on the surface looks wrong.

These dumb fucks, judging my game off of things in it!

People are so eager to just jump on a wagon. I think the situation we have where people behave this way is far more worrying than any game that could ever be made. We are going towards a closed society, where sensitive and controversial subjects are not welcome in public because it causes an outcry focusing on motives and persons rather than the subject which stops any open debate.

This Slave Tetris defense/Donald Trump campaign speech says we’re entering a closed society, where sensitive and controversial subjects just can’t be discussed at all. And that’s why a movie about slavery, 12 Years a Slave, earned $187 million and 3 Oscars, including Best Picture, in 2013 – because you just can’t discuss these subjects nowadays without being shut down by the all-powerful Social Justice Warriors. It isn’t possible that I handled this subject badly, it’s just that I live in a society where you can’t discuss these topics at all. Or you’ll be awarded with money and prizes for discussing it. It’s almost like how you go about making your point matters or something.

Political correctness has gone mad, you know, because people said critical things about my video game and I chose voluntarily to change it. People are too busy discussing “why you made a game” and “is this game good” not worshiping my genius for making this game, which they just didn’t “get”, obviously. So it goes.

Obligatory E3 Post

E3! It had several Good Things and no Embarrassing Things. No, I didn’t see the EA or Ubisoft conferences, why are you asking?


Bethesda opened with Doom. This incarnation of Doom is maybe too gory, with bloody executions that just look like they slow it down unnecessarily. Are shotguns not enough for this crazy modern world??? And why are the fiery depths of Hell so…brown? Why does the trailer end with a monster killing the hero?

Bethesda also showed off TF2-like Shooter #73 and a short film called Dishonored 2 before getting to Fallout 4. Fallout 4’s crafting looks great and so does THAT DOG. OH MY GOSH LOOK AT THAT DOG. WHO’S A GOOD DOG? WHO’S A GOOD DOG? TODD HOWARD’S A GOOD DOG. I MEAN DEV. OH MY GOSH DOGGGGG.

Bethesda: the only developer who can announce a free-to-play mobile game and receive earnest hype in return!

I think they may have announced a card game or MOBA.


Microsoft opened with a short film call Recore. It was about a robot dog and it ended sadly. I assume every dog movie ends sadly until I learn otherwise. Then there was an Halo? I think? Halo features no dogs.

There were two tactical military shooters and TF2-like Shooter #84 and a sequel to the gritty new Tomb Raider reboot I forgot existed. Gears of Four is a military shooter starring a protagonist who touches an alien pod for…some…reason? Every demo ends by showing the main character in mortal peril. It’s a cliffhanger, of a kind, except not really since the resolution will be “you kill/escape it like you do every monster/challenge in the game”.

Rare returned with a collection of their old games and a game of their own that involves very little dancing. Fable Legends is a MOBA but I don’t think they announced any card games. There was a car.

The best part was their montage of indie games. Cuphead looks amazing! Ashen looks WHERE ARE THEIR FACES AHHHHHH. And of all games that could get a spiritual successor, I didn’t consider Army Men as a likely candidate. Yet there it was: an Army Men game slid into the montage.

(If I had kept doing 32 Bits, I would be playing at least two Army Men games in 1999 alone. They became an almost monthly thing.)

They did a demo of the impressive Hololens technology for Minecraft. Then they showed us how it looks to anyone not wearing a hololens: a guy dorkily gesturing at a table. Dorkishness has always been VR’s biggest flaw.


Oh fuck Nintendo still has to do theirs, right? Well the World Championship was fun until Cosmo, the Wizard-that-was-promised, struggled on the final stage. New games included Super Kaizo Mario and Blast Ball, a form of gun soccer. The host joked that this is what it takes to make soccer popular in America. Well, I see plenty of soccer fans here in my corner of the United States. They like Chelsea, Manchester United, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea or Chelsea. I saw a family of Newcastle fans once and I felt so bad for them. Anyway Nintendo was good and also gun soccer?


Holy fuck.

Horizon: Zero Dawn pits cavemen against robot dinosaurs in a post-apocalyptic future. It feels like a concept you’d see in a twelve-year old’s scribblings, and that’s wonderful. Horizon is so fucking metal.

There was more information on No Man’s Sky. This game lets you fight in space and explore planets in a huge galaxy. It is also very metal. The pan back through thousands and thousands of unvisited planets is magical.

I don’t know what Dreams is. It is not metal at all, but it’s pretty cute. Firewatch looks interesting, but its metal-ness is not quite certain yet.

I didn’t see most of this one. But I heard of it. Of The Last Guardian‘s triumphant return. Holy shit it’s real. It exists. Nothing can top that. Nothing. Nothing can top the reveal of that wonderful hyenagiraffebirddog.

Well what else is there besidFINALFANTASYVIIREMAKE!!!

I’ve seen grumbling about this because the best choice you can make is choosing to shame people for being excited. What if the game turns out to be bad? I saw someone on Twitter once compare it to not smiling in your wedding pictures because you’d look like a fool if you get divorced later.

Apparently we’ve given in to our past, or regressed somehow, by remaking Final Fantasy VII. This is garbage. Retro remakes are hardly a new trend. When Final Fantasy VII was new, remakes of 80s games like Frogger, Asteroids and Pong sat beside it on the shelf. You don’t remember them, though. Just like how everyone who lived in the 70s remembers seeing The Godfather in theaters, not Airport ’77. The present’s everything is being judged in comparison to the past’s highlight reel. Anyway, Final Fantasy VII is still very popular and Square can make all the money by remaking it.

Saying that HD re-releases of old games, as I’ve seen said before, is somehow destroying the industry is outrageously stupid. It’s like telling Universal to stop restoring Orson Welles’ Touch of Evil because those dollars would be better spent on a new movie. To spin any attempt to revive old games as a nostalgia ploy, to attack old games as unworthy of our attention, is to devalue gaming’s history.

I do worry about them changing the tone. Final Fantasy VII is a broad melodrama with strong elements of camp. It features bizarre enemies, a boss fight interrupted by the boss being hit by a truck, and mandatory cross-dressing. Its party members include a robot cat on a robot Moogle and a giant red wolf thing. The trailer seems pretty grim, and more in line with the tone of the game’s terrible sequels.

The Shenmue III thing is garbage, however. All these Kickstarter game revivals are garbage. They lead fans to believe they’re funding the game, where they’re funding maybe 1-10% of a game funded by a traditional publisher. But for a company to announce a Kickstarter at an industry conference? For a company to demand $2 million to see if there’s “interest” in the game? The original Shenmue, for the Dreamcast, was the most expensive game of its time, at $47 million ($67 million today). Shenmue III will take so much more money than that. $2 million is nothing. I’ve seen people ask why Sony, or Sega, isn’t funding it themselves. They are, and your 2 million Kickstarter funbucks won’t fund much of anything.

The only part of the stream I saw? The Uncharted demo…so I missed the announcements of Shenmue, Final Fantasy, and The Last Guardian, and instead saw a glitched, unmoving Nathan Drake. At least the car chase seemed fun.


The Last Guardian, Shenmue, Final Fantasy VII remake, Fallout 4. We’re just a Beyond Good & Evil 2 and Half-Life 3 away from knowing the status of every high-profile, mysterious, long-unreleased game (a group of games in development hell is called a Nukem, by the way) I can think of.

I have no idea what they announced. I only watched the end, where they announced Gritty Open-World Shooter #183. I guessed that it was Ghost Recon, but who can even know with these games?

I wish open worlds would stop being the norm. It’s too easy for them to become tedious and repetitive, and an open world isn’t necessarily a more memorable world. We need more smaller, detailed worlds.

In An Alternate Timeline

Sega’s press conference was amazing. The Dreamcast 3 has so many great exclusives. Man, these Sonic games. They’ve just been so good for the last decade. That one in 2006, wow. Such great physics and hardly any glitches. And that new Nights Into Dreams! And a new Panzer Dragoon! A Skies of Arcadia remake! Shenmue…5! Sega has such a bright future in consoles.

Mass Effect

The trailer for Mass Effect: Andromeda shows Mass Effect 1-style planetary exploration. I’ve always been sad that the series abandoned this exploration; Mass Effect 2 had a handful of sidequests, but Mass Effect 3 removed all real exploration, with the sidequests not involving a former party member or recycled multiplayer map reduced to simple fetch quests. Why this trailer is set to Johnny Cash, I don’t know, and I hope that armored character isn’t Shepard, who died melding synthetic and organic life, dreaming of her beloved Garrus. Oh, Garrus


  1. Fallout 4
  2. Cuphead
  3. No Man’s Sky
  4. Horizon: Zero Dawn
  5. The Last Guardian
  6. Super Mario Maker


  1. Recore
  2. Dishonored 2
  3. Final Fantasy VII
  4. Mass Effect: Andromeda

32 Bits

I fell behind and eventually just stopped updating this series. I finished the last game, even, and never wrote about it.

Well I will be bringing it back. I started to use video in the second season of 32 Bits to show off the game, and that’s the direction I’ll continue with: I’m going to do it as a Youtube series…starting, ideally, in September.

Written reviews will probably continue. I’ll have to restart from the beginning, so maybe I’ll post re-written reviews here. This time around I’ll be including some games I couldn’t, or didn’t, play the first time around. And when I catch up with where I was and go forward, I’ll likely keep doing both, just so I can expand on what I say in the video.

Don’t know what it is? Curious why so many posts have gone missing? It’s a mystery…


My favorite game when I was growing up was Super Mario World. I loved that game, but over the years I sold away my copy while keeping my SNES. I had been seeking it ever since.

“Why not just order it on Amazon? Or get the Game Boy Advance version? Or the Virtual Console? Or, god, just download an emulator?” my friends said to me. But I would not be dissuaded. I needed to scour yard sales until I found a copy of this extremely common game.

It took me years. And what did I find? NBA Elite 2011? Garage: Bad Dream Adventure? Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill? Some grey cartridge labeled “EARTHBOUND 64 FINAL PROTOTYPE”? All trash. I threw them away in search of the real prize. And one day, I found it.

Sure the name on the cartridge was SUPER MARIO BLOOD and the artwork was a rather grim Bosch painting but it was the game I loved! I slapped down five Washingtons and walked away with the prize.

“I have it bro, I have the game!” I called my friend.

“Yeah, well, five minutes on the internet and I could get every SNES game.”

“That’s risky, bro. I once heard of a guy who downloaded a pirated copy of Minecraft and was killed by that ghost who follows Notch around screaming GUILTY, GUILTY.”

“Yeah well I once heard this horror story about someone who downloaded DOTA 2.”

“And what happened to them?”

“They had to play DOTA 2,” he said, hanging up.


I popped Super Mario World into my SNES and already there were worrying signs. The Mushroom Kingdom wasn’t…right. The friendly faces in the background were scowling skulls, and everything was drenched in photorealistic blood. And then the name popped up: SUPER MARIO BLOOD. The 3D Mario from Super Mario 64 popped up and said, “It’s-a me, a mortal creature about to pay for his unforgivable sins.”

Uh, that’s odd, I thought. The SNES wasn’t capable of true 3D. Could this be a rom hack?

I pressed on. The first level seemed normal beyond the fact that the mushrooms were skulls and the background was a blood-red sky, marked by the occasional three-eyed pyramid. But then I leapt on Yoshi and I heard a terrible sound. It was like Giygas in Earthbound, or Kefka in Final Fantasy VI, or any number of non-terrifying sounds from non-horror games that I’ll compare things to because I think my readers only know about video games and nothing else.

At the start of the second level I couldn’t move, Mario just dived right into the water. Before drowning he said: “Mmmmmmmmph. MMMPHHHHHHHHHHH”. Oh my god, could Mario be the Pyro?

And then back on the title screen the title changed to MARIODROWNED.


“Mark! Mark! You gotta fucking hear this!”

“No I don’t,” he said before hanging up.

But I’ll tell you my experiences on this blog. I’ve figured it out across multiple playthroughs. I have no reference to anything other than video games so I constructed an elaborate conspiracy theory where I believe Mario killed his brother Luigi because Luigi stole something from him, possibly killing Aerith – no, not Aeris, you baka gaijin, you do not understand the purity of Japanese media the way I do, for even though I am from Ohio I am a major otaku who understands every nuance of Japanese culture, from anime to video games (the only two forms of culture in Japan), I once met an Oriental exchange student and told him about my love of anime and he told me he was from China and I told him, “Same difference, right?” before imitating his accent and then he never talked to me again and reported me for supposed “racism”, I don’t know why, that word is one of endearment and anyway you can use it for armor  – but to get back to my theory, it was LINK working with NATHAN DRAKE who killed JOHN F KENNEDY for the ILLUMINATI, as seen in Deus Ex.

Back to Super Mario Blood: I…had to keep going. In real life I noticed no negative effects on my psyche from playing this game but I knew it was harming me, somehow, despite just being a mildly eerie video game I could very easily put in a box and forget. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t go to class, I didn’t even call my good friend Mark, or any of the many other friends I very clearly have.

But I reached it. I reached the end. I navigated a sea of dead Luigis and the messages on the walls: REPENT SINNER, GOD LOVES YOU, SALVATION FOR ALL WHO ACCEPT HIM AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR. What does it all mean!?

I navigated all this and reached a bridge, like the ones Bowser waits on. It was time. It was time to face Bowser’s evil test.



A…video began to play? A music video?

“Don’t go, Cathy don’t go..Cathy don’t go to the supermarket today!!!”

Before my eyes I watched a music video on the horrors of the grocery store scanner, how it would steal our souls. Was this whole game just an attempt to get 80s technophobes to find religion???

It was…about as horrifying as these awful video game creepypastas. Shit, Slenderman is scarier than these stories and he’s just a faceless mannequin who stands around in the background of student films! At least the BENDROWNED guy created videos of the “scary” activity and exploited actually eerie elements of the game. Most of these stories slap some blood onto a screenshot of the Toad house and start screaming about how THE BLOOD WAS PHOTOREALISTIC. And why do all of these stories involve old NES-SNES games or Minecraft? Does disk-based media block ghosts? Can’t Steam occasionally fuck up and add a ghost to a download? I mean, have you SEEN the shit they allow these days? At least one of those Early Access games has got to be haunted.

Terrible, just terrible.

Hello. I haven’t posted since March. At first I was sick, later I was busy. Finally I concluded I was sort of burnt out after going on with 32 Bits for so long without posting anything else.

32 Bits will return! And I’ll announce when it does (at this point it’ll probably return with Super Mario 64). When I do close out 1996 I’ll make sure there’s no interruptions. In the interim I’ll post about other topics in gaming, both old and new.

Chasing a rabbit for a secret star in Super Mario 64

Chasing a rabbit for a secret star in Super Mario 64

SUPER MARIO 64: Last time I played I was 38 stars in, clearing out Big Boo’s Haunt and was unexpectedly enjoying this game.

I thought it’d be weird that you can only get one star at a time. But the game’s designed around this, so stars are on different paths and traversing the level becomes easier as you go. Stars feel like smaller, faster levels within a larger one. It’s not like, say, the 3D Gex games, which only let you get one remote at a time but often placed them at the end of the same path so you have to go through the whole level multiple times.

ARC THE LAD II: I also started playing Arc the Lad II and it has maybe the most archetypal JRPG opening ever.

ThirtyTwoBits-2014-04-20 10 50 14

We open on a burning village at night. Soldiers gun down all the villagers, except one young boy who survives thanks to his mysterious powers. Wouldn’t you know it, that flashback was a nightmare and the boy is woken up late for work!

ThirtyTwoBits-2014-04-20 11 07 26

He’s a monster hunter for hire and goes to stop a mysterious foe in an airport (for airships, of course). He defeats this enemy only for him to, of course, flee. Chasing down the villain he discovers a girl with mysterious powers. After besting his enemy in a fight, he’s killed before he can say anything. And so our hero defends the girl from a wall of what appear to be 1920s gangsters, but she’s wounded! Can the healer help her? Is there a link between the two, hinted at via a sepia-toned flashback? Probably!

On the other hand, the game’s pacing is so much better. The first Arc the Lad began with a interminable cutscene, one that ran well over ten minutes before the first battle. But ten minutes into Arc the Lad II I’ve fought two battles, gained a party member and have explored the world map. I’ve also heard Arc the Lad II is the best in the series so I’m cautiously optimistic.

OUT OF DATE BOOKS: Browsing a library I found, nestled between HOW TO MAKE MILLIONS OFF SECOND LIFE and THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SECOND LIFE, a most ordinary book: The Rough Guide to Videogaming, 2002 edition.

A 12 year old guide to video games still being on the shelves is strange enough. But a British guide to 2002’s video games? In an American library? In 2014?

The back pages advertise “The Rough Guide to Shopping Online”, “The Rough Guide Internet Directory” and “The Rough Guide to Manchester United, 2001-2002” (“a respect-full history of the world’s greatest club!”).

“The latest consoles are all coming equipped for online gaming…although for full Web access and email you’re still most likely better off with a computer.”

Their top Playstation games, in alphabetical order:

  1. Crash Team Racing
  2. Final Fantasy IX
  3. Gran Turismo 2
  4. ISS Pro Evolution 2
  5. LMA Manager 2001 (a soccer management sim)
  6. Metal Gear Solid
  7. Quake II
  8. Resident Evil 3
  9. Spyro: Year of the Dragon
  10. TOCA World Touring Cars
  11. Tomb Raider Chronicles
  12. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2
  13. Wipeout 3 Special Edition

Note the heavy presence of Quake on these lists.

Their suggestions for the nascent Playstation 2 library:

  1. Quake III
  2. SSX
  3. Tekken Tag Tournament
  4. Theme Park World
  5. Timesplitters

Man the Playstation 2 had such a great launch line-up compared to the original Playstation and later the PS3. SSX, Timesplitters, a new Tekken, the first actual Dynasty Warriors game, Smuggler’s Run…plus the usual crap and glorified tech demos. Including a unprecedented four RPGs at launch…not that any of them were any good, mind.

I just avoided the whole mess. By the time I had a PS2 it already had a good library, so my first games were Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy X.

The recently-cancelled Dreamcast:

  1. Crazy Taxi
  2. Jet Set Radio/Jet Grind Radio
  3. Quake III
  4. Rayman 2
  5. Shenmue
  6. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2

Not a list you’d see Dreamcast fans make now. Quake shows up again, and we have two ports. To be fair, Rayman 2 and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 are absolutely fantastic. But nowadays people would probably rather boast a console’s exclusives than versions of games associated with other consoles.

And the similarly soon to be obsolete Nintendo 64:

  1. Banjo-Tooie
  2. Goldeneye 007
  3. Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
  4. Perfect Dark

A weirdly sparse list, but it covers the N64’s bases: mascot platformers, first person shooters, Zelda and practically nothing else!


The best Saturn games I’ve played so far are Guardian Heroes; GunGriffon; Nights Into Dreams; Panzer Dragoon II; Virtua Fighter 2.

The best PS1 games I’ve played so far are Die Hard Trilogy; Resident Evil; Tekken 2.


Xbox 3 is Xbox 1

Today Microsoft announced the Xbox One, their third console. If I’m going to be honest I missed the first hour or so of the announcement but based on my Twitter feed and my knowledge of how tech companies announce things I can reasonably be sure what was said.

“This immersive experience will feature more immersive emotion thanks to the immersive technology of a few thousand extra polygons that enable deeper emotions.”

The word emotion is nearly as common as “experience”, “immersion” and “by gamers, for gamers” at these kinds of events. Which emotion is always unstated, but I presume they mean it might make you cry. When I think of “emotional” moments in games I think of Episode 5 of The Walking Dead, say, or the prayers for Amaterasu at the end of Okami – games that would never, ever be shown at an event like this thanks to being “creative” and “good”.

Those asking, “You know, I like watching TV on this TV attached to my Xbox, but how can I add useless, distracting information to the side of the screen?” – well, feel lucky, for Microsoft has answered your prayers. You can now watch TV, not on your TV, but on a Xbox whose channels you can control with your voice.

Indeed, Microsoft is going to produce their own TV series. Is it Halo? Of course. Every Microsoft event must mention Halo. Recall when Microsoft announced a “new trilogy” – and it was a trilogy of new Halo games? Steven Spielberg will be producing a series based on the immersive storytelling of Halo.

The Halo television series was compared to Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones for its ability to create a world. Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones are also famous for their complex, emotionally conflicted characters. Halo’s lead is a non-entity, a faceless blank slate for the gamer to project themselves on – hardly a compelling hero, unless they switch the focus to others.

Anyway, on to the games that are games and not TV shows based on games.

Electronic Arts was introduced with a typically hyperbolic intro about how they will bring intelligent, dynamic, original games rich with emotion to the Xbox One.

The game they were talking about?


At the Playstation 4 press conference, they introduced the “original experiences” of the PS4 with footage of the latest Killzone. This reveal tops that moment in absurdity because at least then it was knowingly bullshit (additionally, Sony showed actual original experiences with Jonathan Blow’s game and that one platformer). Here, EA fully commits to the idea that Madden, FIFA, UFC and NBA Live are the height of storytelling. You will now hear the roar of the crowd, and that will finally make Madden realistic, unlike those shitty Maddens of the past.

That’s a strange theme to these conferences: games from the last generation are worthless compared to the technological advances of the next generation. Call of Duty: Ghosts models the dirt under the fingernails of your character, a detail that apparently advances the game’s emotion and detail beyond what Modern Warfare 3 was capable of. Developers discuss tiny technical advances that supposedly create deeper emotion than was possible before – and only reveal how little they understand emotions or what creates them. Animated films are not “realistic” and yet they can create deeper emotion than many live action films.

Electronic Arts claimed their new football partnership will transform not just the Xbox, but the sport itself. You can now discuss the game with friends and play Fantasy Football on your Xbox – so the big innovation here is that the Xbox One lets you do what one can already do on the internet, but now on one screen instead of two. The Microsoft partnership with coaches and players was mentioned off-hand, and I possibly imagined it.

Forza 5  was introduced with a spiel about memorable experiences in gaming: bringing an Xbox to a friend’s house to play Halo, unlocking your first achievement and the first time you painted a Forza car & traded it. Here I might have to admit a generational gap – as a gamer who started gaming in the primitive days of the late 90s, I never experienced any particular joy over my first achievement, and am generally ambivalent towards their existence. Yet somehow, despite my lack of knowledge, I don’t think the first time you traded a car in Forza was a formative experience for many gamers. The cars look nice though.

The one original game shown was…it’s hard to describe. Quantum Break is inspired by scripted television, and it may very well be a television show, since most of the trailer was live-action. Even a pre-rendered trailer usually gives some hints about how a game is played, yet I’m just at a loss here. Are FMV games coming back? Are we due for an immersive new take on Night Trap?

We closed out with Activision’s latest Call of Duty game, Ghosts.

Call of Duty’s developers, Infinity Ward, have tried to innovate by not following up Modern Warfare 3 with Modern Warfare 4 but instead a different identical game where you shoot a lot of people. Call of Duty: Ghosts was first teased in a live action trailer featuring different masked warriors throughout time, an impressive trailer that nonetheless just makes you want to play as one of the more interesting historical soldiers and not the dull modern people with guns. Give me a game about samurai or tribal hunters with spears and I’d jump onboard. Another Call of Duty? Not so much.

Call of Duty: Ghosts is the latest first person shooter to bring in a big Hollywood screenwriter to gussy up the cutscenes between gunfights. This time the writer is Stephen Gaghan, who wrote Traffic and Syriana. His story promises deeper immersion, emotional immersion, emotional technology, immersive immersion…

Call of Duty: Ghosts features leaning, sliding, and a dog teammate as the extent of its new, innovative mechanics. And the developers trash the graphics of their predecessor – while Modern Warfare 3’s arms were “beautiful at the time” (a sentence never before uttered by humanity), the new game’s arms show dirt under your nails. Dirt! Under your nails! One can also customize your character’s appearance, though sadly you can only choose helmets and not hats. Why, Infinity Ward?

Call of Duty: Ghosts pushes the idea of emotional connection with the game’s characters via a melancholic trailer. Once again, a game that will ultimately turn out to be just another first person shooter is sold on a “emotional” trailer.

Remember Gears of War, whose ads were set to Gary Jules’ “Mad World”? Or more famously, Dead Island’s trailer, a short film set to sad music that inexplicably was universally adored as an example of the newfound storytelling prowess of games, even though it showed nothing of the game (which was nothing special)? Now Call of Duty: Ghosts joins the tradition with a sad trailer of downbeat narration, promising a character-based drama in a apocalyptic world when we all know it’s just going to be a parade of new locales to shoot foreigners in.

Ultimately none of this matters because the console war narrative is unchanging, even in what’s probably close to the last days of gaming consoles. There will be posturing, rabid speculation, fanboy wars over what console they’ve never touched is the best. Already there’s gloating over the increase in Sony’s stock price after the Microsoft press conference (8%) and childish glee in the impending ‘death’ of Nintendo’s Wii U. Maybe it was a good idea to miss the first hour, to skip the ages of social features no one will use and technical specifications that sound impressive but mean nothing. The Xbox One press conference is devoid of substance and yet will be a focus of obsession.

On the plus side, the excellent Xbox 360 controller has hardly been changed beyond fixing the d-pad. So there’s that.

A word on the demise of LucasArts

Today it was announced that Disney, new owners of Lucas Film, would lay off LucasArts’ staff and turn the studio into a licensing machine. This brought an end to a developer that had lasted decades…but to mourn LucasArts is to mourn a studio that truly ended decades ago. Continue reading

Series Finale Week: Enterprise

“This episode is a gift to the fans” is the line creators always use when hyping up a series’ finale. Sometimes, it’s true. Recently, Fringe ended with a thrilling, poignant episode, full of elegant (and sometimes disgusting) ties to past installments. But what do you do if you’re trying to give a gift to fans who, until recently, hated your show?

If you’re the producers of Star Trek: Enterprise, you abandon everything that made people like your show, and make one of the worst series finales ever.

57083.006.tifStar Trek: Enterprise is not the worst series in the franchise but it is the dullest. Enterprise was nominally a prequel to the original 60s Star Trek, set in a rough time defined by conflict with Klingons and Romulans. In practice, however, Enterprise was Next Gen lite. The Klingons and Romulans were bit players in the convoluted time travel antics of the Suliban and their shadowy benefactor from the future – creatively dubbed “Future Guy”. Species first introduced in Next Gen made appearances – but to make sure continuity wasn’t disrupted, villains such as the Borg or Ferengi would refrain from mentioning their name. All the technology from the more recent series was there, but with a different name and a silver coat of paint. The series was still a procedural about weekly encounters with generic aliens you’d never see again, despite the heavy serialization of the then-recent (and best) Star Trek, Deep Space Nine. Enterprise was Next Gen with worse writing and a painfully generic cast headed by Scott Bakula as the bland Captain Archer, whose arguments with Vulcan second-in-command T’Pol were meant to call to mind the relationship between McCoy and Spock, and instead seemed more like childish tantrums.

With the third season, Enterprise embraced serialization, giving a single horrible story room to grow over twenty episodes. The third season’s arc was a metaphor for the War on Terror, abandoning the Suliban in favor of the Xindi, an alliance of species who attack Earth. The Enterprise goes after the Xindi like – metaphor alert! – the US hunted Bin Laden. Of course, the Xindi spent their time in evil councils straight out of a Saturday morning cartoon. The producers of Enterprise looked at al-Qaeda and thought of giant bugs hatching evil plots to destroy Earth. Compare this plotline to how Enterprise’s contemporary Battlestar Galactica handled the same theme, and you have a good sense of why no one cared about Enterprise circa 2003.

But then Enterprise turned itself around in its unique fourth season – a season that not coincidentally was in the hands of a new showrunner, Manny Coto. While the cast remained dull, the storytelling gained new energy out of an unusual format – the season consisted near-exclusively of two or three-part stories. These stories also began to set up long-term story arcs and address key elements of the show’s original premise. The Romulans returned, the Suliban and Xindi vanished, and the series was finally going somewhere…

Then came cancellation. The show’s finale was written not by Coto, but by the show’s creators, Rick Berman and Brannon Braga.

The last episode of Enterprise was sold on the “gift to the fans” line, and when it begins it seems like it could deliver. It’s several years after the penultimate episode, and the Enterprise is returning to Earth for decommissioning. The Federation’s founding is imminent. Long time viewers are about to see the payoff that would make sticking with the show worth it. The crew discuss what will happen when they return home, and Bakula’s Captain Archer worries about a speech he’s writing for the occasion…and then we pan over to see Jonathan Frakes. He pauses the hologram and walks away.

entrikerEnterprise’s finale is not told from the perspective of the show’s cast. Instead, it follows characters from another show entirely: the Next Generation’s Riker and Troi, who witness the original Enterprise’s final days on the holodeck. This would be akin to Frasier’s final episode revolving around Cliff Clavin. The motivation is clear: remind viewers of better days for the franchise. Bizarrely, Enterprise’s finale is set during a specific episode of the Next Generation – “The Pegasus”, a forgettable entry from that show’s weak final season. Riker is revisiting the adventures of Archer to gain perspective. There are two long scenes discussing the events of an episode of another show, scenes with no relevance to Enterprise. According to “These Are the Voyages”, the entire series exists to spur a character to make a decision we saw the outcome of in 1994.


The Enterprise is heading home when it is hailed by Shran, a recurring character played by Jeffrey Combs. Shran was an alien military officer. Here, he’s inexplicably faked his own death. To support his family, he supplanted the notoriously paltry pay of a general by taking up petty crime – and now criminals have kidnapped his daughter. So the Enterprise diverts course to save her, a mission that takes the life of one of the cast, Southern engineer Trip Tucker (Connor Trinneer).

What, think that’s a spoiler? It’s not. Riker tells you he’s going to die right after the opening credits. It could have lended the episode a tragic air of inevitability. But the death is so pathetically staged, and so little happens, the early spoiler just renders the show more dramatically inert. When you know someone is going to die, you start to have expectations. Trip’s death comes when the gangsters board the Enterprise and ask him and the Captain where Shran is.

Let’s tell the story in images (primarily because I couldn’t find a video):

Archer and Trip emerge from someone's quarters and are held at gunpoint by the gangsters who were after Shran - who gained access to the ship, somehow...

Archer and Trip emerge from their quarters and are held at gunpoint by the gangsters seeking Shran – they’ve gained access to the ship, somehow, and security is nowhere to be found.

Archer and Trip scream at each other until Trip declares he can go contact Shran and the aliens knock out Archer...

Archer and Trip scream at each other until Trip declares he can go contact Shran and the aliens knock out Archer, then are easily tricked out of killing him…

At gunpoint, Trip offers to bypass security and contact Shran. He wanders through inexplicably empty corridors...

Trip offers to bypass security and contact Shran. He wanders through inexplicably empty corridors and is allowed to meddle with the ship’s equipment freely for…some reason.

...and blows himself up to kill criminals who couldn't even kill his captain when he was unconscious.

Trip takes the chance to blow himself up in order to kill these criminal masterminds.

Everything about this sequence is rushed (it takes less than a minute) and inexplicable. Of course, killing off a main character attracts buzz to your finale, even if the character’s death doesn’t make sense or serve any narrative purpose.

There is one final misstep in “These Are The Voyages”:

Archer’s speech, which we’ve been hearing about all episode? It goes unseen. As it begins, Riker and Troi end the program. Instead of ending the series on a stirring note with the main character’s triumphant speech…we end with Riker saying he’ll go speak to Picard. Just like in the episode from 1994.

As he leaves the holodeck, we get another ending, one that better fits the line of pleasing fans. We see the Enterprise of Next Gen flying through space; Patrick Stewart narrates ‘Space, the final frontier…”. Cut to Kirk’s Enterprise: Shatner’s recitation of “Explore strange new worlds…”. And then…the eponymous Enterprise gliding off into a nebula, with Bakula concluding the famous words: “…to boldly go where no man has gone before”. Fade to black.

Enterprise’s finale was not the gift to the fans the producers wanted; critics despised it, and fans who remained loyal through the show’s troubled run were understandably angry over the finale tossing aside the show’s cast in favor of a pair of guest stars from another show. With this episode, the history of Star Trek on television ended; it would lay dormant until JJ Abrams’ reboot, which kills off Archer’s dog in a throwaway line.

I watched “These are the Voyages” when it first aired on UPN (a moment of silence, please, for the network that brought us Veronica Mars, Everybody Hates Chris, and…uh, the final seasons of Buffy?), long after I stopped caring about Enterprise, and I hated it. When I watched it again today, it’s somehow worse. Great series finales can give fans one last outing with their favorite characters, or they can seek to redefine everything that came before. Enterprise’s producers wanted to make fans happy, and throw in some big twists. “These are the Voyages” fails on both fronts: its tribute to past series is distracting and pointless. Its biggest twist is not only awkward, but spoiled early on for no apparent reason. None of the stories set up throughout the fourth season are even mentioned. An episode meant to please everyone, “These are the Voyages” pleases no one.


  • Tomorrow: Two of the most popular sitcoms of all time conclude with entries that are pleasant, but not much else.
  • Thursday: Let’s preemptively sob over 30 Rock.

Gex 3

Gex 3

Christmas, 1999. My gifts were just what I wanted.

One was a game I had looked forward to for months. I braved my family’s dinner, and chat, and the interminable parades they watched, hoping I could get the TV for myself and play my new gift. Finally, it was my chance. I sat, cross-legged, by the Christmas tree and gripped the controller as the Playstation started up. I basked in the television’s glow as the first level loaded up. Why, it was even Christmas themed! Could this game be a more fitting gift? I was overjoyed to be playing…Gex 3!?

Looking back, I have no idea why I desired a game so…mediocre. 1999’s Gex 3 was the last installment in a moderately popular and rarely loved series. The first Gex was a simple 2D platformer that debuted in 1994 on the 3DO console; Gex became the 3DO’s mascot. The sequel came four years later, long after the 3DO’s unmourned demise. That game took the titular gecko into three dimensions for the first time; it also recycled the same levels over and over and looked extraordinarily cheap, so those were possibly three dimensions too many.

These were games of limited charms. There were many platformers in the late 90s, and far too many were identical: wrestle with an awkward camera as you jump around, collecting hundreds of useless items. The best platformers were clever: Banjo-Kazooie, Rayman, Spyro the Dragon, Jumping Flash, and a select few others all had creative level design that made all the collecting worthwhile. No such luck in the Gex series, where you grab remotes to unlock further levels; gather 100 flies to find an additional remote (a mission stolen from Super Mario 64’s ‘collect 100 coins’ quests); and find coins and paws, whose functions are more obscure. Gex 3 asks nothing more of you than to walk over objects so you can unlock new levels in which you can walk over yet more objects.

Gex 3 still looks relatively nice today, especially compared to its simplistic predecessors, but that wasn’t why I – or anyone else – wanted it. Gex’s true selling point was its humor.

Gex’s humor is firmly based in lazy pop culture references. Gex is voiced by Dana Gould in the United States, and Cat from Red Dwarf in the UK. The jokes are just as bad on either side of the pond. Each level has a television theme – gangsters, superheroes, anime, and so on. In the Christmas level, the game offers up such wisecracks as Gex saying “Herbie, I want to be a dentist!” in a funny voice, or “My name is Jack Gexington, from Halloweentown!” in a different funny voice. Dancing candy canes prompt him to make a comment about sticking tongues to metal poles. Some gags are timely – when Gex jumps on a snowboard at the end of the level, he bemoans that there’s “another snowboarding game”. How many today remember the days when mediocre snowboarding games were everywhere? There is no satirical twist to most of the jokes; Gex asks you to laugh at the mere act of quoting a movie, as if it’s the most hilarious thing in the world to know lines from old Christmas specials.

Gex 3  Deep Cover Gecko europe_Apr4 13_57_03

The level itself is devoid of interesting sight gags, because anything funny is repeated ad nauseam. The first level’s big centerpiece is an evil Santa Claus. He throws a present at you; Gex chucks it back at him. “You’re on the list!” he cries. Repeat twice more. Everything in Gex, and other games of its ilk, is drawn out. Once, Mario would encounter certain boxes containing multiple coins, requiring multiple jumps to get them all; imagine if every box had multiple coins and you have a good approximation of the Gex experience. Every penguin, box and enemy must be hit three or four times to gather every fly; the level’s twisted elves require two or three hits to die. Anything can and will be drawn out by the developers if it means you can trumpet “20 hours of gameplay!” on the back of the box.

Why did nine-year old me make Gex 3 such an important part of his Christmas? I had never played any of the previous games. Gex 3 was the best-selling game in the franchise, yet it was still only a minor success, and critical reaction was decidedly mixed. I could have asked for any number of better games, yet I asked for this one. Perhaps it’s best to leave my puzzling childhood affection for Gex 3 as just that – the affection of a child, delighting in the snowy world of Gex on Christmas Day.


  • One curiously primitive aspect of Gex 3 – every time you find a remote, you’re kicked out of the level. Sure, Super Mario 64 did this too – but Gex 3 is no Super Mario 64, and it gets grating to run through the same areas.
  • Another odd element, seemingly designed to waste time: Gex 3’s mechanics are mostly copied from Gex 2, yet Gex 3 has a tutorial and Gex 2 doesn’t. And the tutorial is required if you want every remote.
  • A sign of what gaming was like in ’99 – Gex 3 comes with several demos, in a day when discs carrying dozens of demos were common and eminently disposable. Now, few companies even bother with demos. One demo is of a game that’s near-great, Soul Reaver (which runs on the Gex 3 engine); the others are the obscure, voodoo-themed action game Akuji the Heartless and Warzone 2100, an awkward attempt at a console RTS. All three are rather bloody and extremely M-rated; odd matches for a game as juvenile as Gex.